What Ted Lasso Gets Wrong about Curiosity and Judgment

Being judgy ain't necessarily a bad thing.

On the TV show Ted Lasso, the lead character, a nicer-than-nice coach, lives by the motto, “Be curious, not judgmental.”

While I agree with the first part of the coach’s advice, I reject the second. For one thing, it’s logically self-defeating: being nonjudgmental is in fact making a judgment — and a moral one at that! —  implying that being nonjudgmental is a good thing while being judgmental isn’t. Here’s another judgment about Ted’s dictum. Although he attributes it to Walt Whitman, Whitman never said it, as Jason Sudeikis, the actor who plays Ted admitted in a 60 Minutes interview; consequently, the ascription to Whitman has to be judged as false. Sudeikis later explained that by “not judgmental” he meant “not prejudiced” — as if being prejudiced is always a bad thing. Once more, a judgment, and once more, a false one. For instance, it’s good to be prejudiced – to have pre-judged – that jumping off a cliff is a dangerous thing to do, likely resulting in serious injury or death.

Things get even worse, however, when synagogues and churches bill themselves as “nonjudgmental” in their attempts to gain more members in the of face declining numbers. The problem these congregations have, though, is that the text they typically refer to in worship, in sermons, in study, and in various calls to social action — the Bible — is awfully “judgy.” Even if religious folks discount its more problematic parts, such as regarding homosexuality, they still generally want to retain other parts like humankinds’ being created in God’s image. So how do you pick out the good stuff from the bad? Once again, it requires a judgment.

Whether they like it or not, synagogues and churches inevitably need to make judgments about what defines them, about what they stand for, in their efforts to attract newcomers. A congregation that describes itself through a sugary, Lasso-like nicety such as “We’re a family” will probably soon be exposed as hypocritical at best and bogus at worst. Congregations aren’t really families, not only because they’re generally not based on kinship ties, but rather because as Robert Frost reminded us, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” So is some self-described family of a congregation willing to give or lend someone money if they go broke? Or to pay their medical bills or care for them in the face of some catastrophic illness?

“We’re warm and welcoming” is another common but ultimately specious pitch congregations often use to attract new members. But does that mean anything beyond “We’ll smile and shake your hand when you come to services?” In a traditional synagogue or an evangelical church, what does that actually amount to in terms of an outsider who advocates equal rights regardless of sex or gender? Is it anything beyond some smarmy greeting at the door reflecting the platitude “Hate the sin but love the sinner”? In the history of religion, getting rid of the sin has too often entailed eliminating the sinner as well.

To be truly welcoming, a range of other actions need to follow that mere initial greeting. Consistent practices such as invitations to lunch or dinner at members’ homes, follow-ups by clergy to ask whether visitors would like to meet and share what’s on their mind, offering them concrete opportunities to get involved with and perhaps influence potential congregational change, and then at last, only after several such repeatedly welcomed contacts, to approach them about potential financial commitments should the outsider wish to join. Some “realist” might object, “That’s too idealistic! We live in a capitalistic society – the synagogue/church is a business.” But as my friend, Rabbi Marc Wilson, once said, “Yes, but the business is to be a synagogue – not a Burger King.” New members do matter to the bottom line, but the bottom line in attracting them has to involve a rich set of practices that display a compelling, even unique, vision of what belonging to this particular community has to offer. 

You be the judge.